My Ex is Getting Married
My ex is getting married.
My ex.
Is getting married.
I would really like to say that when I found out, I didn’t care. It didn’t affect me. But unfortunately, I am not the superwoman I like to think I am. And as life would have it, when you are completely blind-sided by information like that, you don’t have time to hide or disguise how you feel about it.
In my perfect world, I would’ve raised an eyebrow, pursed my lips, shrugged my shoulders, flipped the Facebook engagement announcement the bird, and gone back to casually sipping my glass of wine with the wedding party. But alas, I was not that badass. In fact, I was not even 1/8 that badass.
You see, it pains me to say that when my friend showed me the announcement, my entire countenance dropped. I felt like I had been sucker punched in the gut. Thoughts flooded my mind… That was supposed to be us. Why does he get to be happy after what he did to me? I always treated him with dignity, and yet somehow he’s the one getting engaged 2 years later. I’m a good person. Why haven’t I even had a freakin date in 2 years??
It was that moment when the illusion of your invincibility is blown to bits for you to see, and no matter how hard you try you just can’t stop your face from giving you away.
There I sat, celebrating two of my closest friends getting married, having reunions with a bunch of other friends, celebrating the successful completion of my first year out of college.
And what takes center stage in my mind? My ex’s engagement.
It just makes me want to scream an incredibly long stream of expletives, but I don’t even know what to say cause I’m so mad at myself. It’s been two years for goodness sakes! You were doing just fine! Where is this coming from?
***
Christian culture is a unique thing, with young adults barely in their 20’s getting hitched. This can add a strange pressure to single 20-somethings. Some struggle with feeling like they are being left behind, like they aren’t good enough alone, as though their time is running out to find someone to prove they are worthy of love.
That, however, is not my issue. I am not in that place. I am aware I have plenty of time. I know God has put a call on my life for theatre and the important role it plays in this world. That is where my energy is focused.
So this is not going to be one of those posts giving you a pep-talk if you are struggling with that pressure. If that’s what you are looking for, then you should probably move on.
***
But I do find myself yearning to find that person. I’m not trying to compensate for feeling like I’m losing a race (a “race” which does not exist in the first place…in case you were wondering…).
I want to find that best friend with whom to journey through this messy life. Someone who I can love with all my heart and know that I’ll receive the same authenticity in return.
Honestly, I want to know what a safe, kind, and protecting love feels like. So essentially…love as it should be. Not some manipulative, abusive affection fed to me and told that that’s what love is. I want to leave that experience so far in the past that I never have to think about it again.
I would love to know that the year I lost was worth it: the year I devoted to a man who messed with my head so badly that by the end I didn’t even recognize the shell of a person I had become. I want to know that there is a good love out there waiting for me.
I yearn to know that all the courage and strength I mustered to walk away, to get out, was leading me to something better. Not simply to three years (and running) of wondering if that was the only “love” I will ever know.
And of course, in this I find myself falling back into that submissive, self-blaming mindset he had me in, of telling myself: It was my fault, I need to toughen up and be less sensitive, I did this to myself.
God has brought me out from that place, no doubt. I am not looking for some man to fix the wrong that has been done to me. The restoration, growth, and freedom God has brought me has healed the wounds.
But with that healing comes scars that are hard to ignore. Always wondering, Is that emotional abuse going to follow me around always? Is this scar going to constantly remind me of what loving that man did to me? Is that fear always going to linger in the back of my mind? Am I forever going to be gun shy when it comes to men?
I want to know that walking through that darkness was worth it because it led me to something so much better. I want to be told that I am right; I have yet to truly experience love. I want to be respected, supported, and protected.
I want love.
And just because he found love, that doesn't mean I won't.
