Love is an Open Door

Those that are close to me are aware that, despite being a massive Disney fanatic, I was less than impressed with Disney's recent globally-dominating hit, Frozen. Yet, in spite of it's "eh" plot line and even more "eh" music, the song "Love is an Open Door" has been on repeat in my head for weeks. You can imagine how obnoxious it has been to go about my day humming that one line, which really doesn't make much sense, for no apparent reason. "Apparent" being the optimal word here. Flashback to May of 2014. College graduation. Probably the most conflicting experience I've had thus far. On one hand, you are filled with joy, appreciation, love, excitement for life, and a little hint of "Thank God, I'm outta here!" But on the other hand, you shiver from head to toe at the thought of having to pretend to be an adult in public. You have relentless nightmares that consist of begging for a job, living on the street, opening a bank account, shopping only at Goodwill, and the ruthless disappointment of your parents, who payed $83 million for your theatre education. Needless to say, I was horrified to leave the comforts of a class schedule and meal plan.

Following graduation weekend, my friend Cami and I moved in with another close friend, Hannah. Her gracious parents offered us a place in their home for free while we got ourselves on our feet during the summer. This relieved a significant portion of stress from my mind. I had a few months of wiggle room to get my life straightened out. I joined the family for church on Sundays, started to write again, and started my search for a day job carefree.

Fast forward to August. I spent the entire summer applying to every restaurant, coffee shop, grocery store, and customer service position within a 25-mile radius. I printed a large quantity of resumes that I consistently handed out. I filled out dozens of online applications and questionnaires. I wore out my dress clothes going in to businesses to speak to managers. Nothing. No one would hire me. I eventually found myself in an interview for none other than CHIPOTLE. Clearly desperate at this point, I am in a double interview with another man. The interview consisted of the manager asking us our favorite animal, then our favorite movie, and finally pitting the two of us against each other in a back and forth battle of qualifications to convince our interviewer which of the two of us should get the job.

I didn't get it. I'M SORRY. I HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE AND I CAN'T EVEN FOLD A BURRITO FOR NINE DOLLARS AN HOUR???

On top of this, I had a long string of truly horrific auditions. I began to descend. I was so sad and unmotivated. All of my friends had immediately found jobs to pay the rent, many of whom had also found quick success in acting gigs.

Summer came to an end and I moved into a townhome with a few friends, which had a world of complications in and of itself. Someone had finally seen some possible potential in me and I found a part time job at a popular bookseller chain. I had a place of my own and had a decent job that was going to pay my bills. Plus, I had received acceptance into an acting company in Hollywood. Maybe things were starting to look up? YES. I was sure they were! I got some of my spunk back and attacked the fall season with gusto.

Alas, I fell flat on my face yet again. My job turned out to be completely life-sucking and downright horrible. Although a member of the theatre company, I was not acting, and suffered another string of bad auditions accompanied with brilliant auditions that went absolutely nowhere. And to top it all off, I got in more than a few skirmishes with friends and many of my supportive, college friendships were destroyed.

What was happening? I truly felt like my life was falling apart. I was never genuinely happy, but instead, walked around with a false smile on my face so as to not bother those around me with my problems. Sunday morning church was hardly revitalizing and I honestly felt like God was ignoring me on purpose. I would find myself on the floor of my bedroom, begging for help and for guidance, but I never received anything in response. So in a feeble human attempt to spite God, I decided to ignore Him back. I descended into a sadness I had not experienced in a very long time. I felt as if I was alone in a pitch black room with my hands out in front of me, ferociously searching for anything I could hold on to. I put on the dark cloak of depression and wore it with pride everywhere I went.

I (barely) got out of bed one day and found my devotional sitting under my bedside table. In desperation, I spoke out, "Alright God. I'm gonna open this book one last time. If you have something to say to me, now would be the time, before I stop listening for good." The devotion stated, "UNDERSTANDING WILL NEVER BRING YOU PEACE. That's why I have instructed you to trust in ME, not in your understanding." I was then immediately reminded of a devotion I had read over the summer that said, "Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things." This was somewhat rejuvinating...not fully, but just enough. I knew the Lord wanted what was best for me, so I attempted to DO what was best for me.

As December approached, I decided to quit my job. I have an endless appreciation for my parents, who saw my suffering and offered to help me in the interim of income. I was then cast in a little Christmas show at my company, which turned out to be an immense blessing. I found myself back on-stage for the first time in 8 months, performing a truly touching, FREE show throughout the first two weeks of the Christmas season. This cleared a path for me in the company, as I began to form wonderful friendships and was soon cast in a production of Pride & Prejudice in the spring.

Around the same time, my co-writer, Calli, and her parents offered me a place in their home in Minneapolis, Minnesota. They were aware of my desire to perform in live theatre and reached out to me with a wonderful offer in order to allow me to give the Twin Cities theatre community a shot. I did some research, and the cities proved to have an impressive amount of theatre, especially in comparison to Los Angeles. Alas, I was much too insecure to move my life across the country.

During performances of Pride & Prejudice, I had fostered a wonderful relationship with an actress and APU alumni named Jorie, who approached me about a summerstock gig in Nebraska in which she had been involved for a few years now, and she thought that I may be interested in the audition. I buckled down, auditioned, and got the job. It was all finally coming together! I have a firm belief that if you want doors to open, you need to knock on them first. Well, I was banging on door after door after door for months on end and it seemed that I would face an eternal number of locked doors for the rest of my life. But as soon as I fully gave up control, they opened. The shows, the connections, then a gig in Nebraska, two states over from my new potential home... they were open! I looked at the poor semblance of a life that I was barely holding on to in LA and realized that I had LITERALLY nothing to lose. I said yes! I walked through the door!

I packed my car with all that I could and moved my life. I spent an incredible summer performing 5 different musicals, 11 times a week and could not have been happier. I'm an actor. That's my calling, my vocation. To have my first taste of doing that and ONLY that was unbelievable. I met some amazing friends and fostered connections that I know I will keep for a lifetime. And now, as you may or may not know, I write this from a furnished basement in the beautiful state of Minnesota. I am here with Calli and Jordan, two of my best friends in the world who have stuck by my side through the long and dark valley. Two loving, kind, exsquisite adoptive parents walk around one floor above, as if to protect me from any mischevious, nightmarish thoughts that may try to slither their way downstairs.

And yes, I find myself in a similar position as before, trying to start anew with occupations and friendships and other adult things. But before I could even panic, I went with this wonderful family to a church, which, because the Lord has an uncanny sense of humor, is called Church of the Open Door.

Perhaps this is not what Disney meant to communicate with their silly little song about finishing sandwiches, but this is what I have perceived. I am reminded of God's love for me through the very, very large open door that I walked through this summer, and I guarantee He puts that melody in my head daily so that I will not forget.

I can't deny the actual shit storm I trudged through not too long ago, but I can't tell you how amazing I feel to be out of it. And though it may be difficult, I find myself with a small smile of optomism creeping up on my face as I begin to make this place my home.

Moral: stop trying to build your own doors. Jesus was the carpenter, after all. Matthew 7:7: "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you" (NLT). And as soon as it does, RUN.